


the fear of giving a name

by the_sunshine_dims



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Self Esteem Issues, cursing, deceit actually being happy in the end, fear of being hated, fluffy end, information being given semi-unwillingly, mention of being treated badly, nice end, patton being a good dad friend, who knew man?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-17
Updated: 2020-04-17
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:55:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23707990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_sunshine_dims/pseuds/the_sunshine_dims
Summary: "when your anxiety tells you to be careful and for a moment you ask it if it can ease up for a minute and it does, and then you go jump off a cliff, then think that was a dream instead of a memory"with a lot of anxiety and self esteem issues in the beginning
Comments: 2
Kudos: 24





	the fear of giving a name

Deceit sighed as he stared up at the ceiling above him, the memory of Patton asking his name earlier at lunch consuming his mind, he huffed, why would Patton even want to know? 

The ‘light sides’ didn’t like him and Remus before why was it now was any different, sure Thomas accepted them but that doesn’t mean anyone has to try and make him feel included

Plus what kind of name was Ethel anyway? It wasn’t a good one in his opinion, he used to love it, treasure it, and just as he loved his scales, he learned better, names are a powerful thing, they subconsciously shift peoples opinions of you, so just as he learned to not like his scales he learned to not like his name,

And even- even if he did still like his name… why would they deserve to know it? 

_ They wouldn’t, _

He sighed again as he sat up only now realizing the tears that had formed, he quickly wiped them away, he wasn’t gonna cry because he didn’t want people to know his name damnit!

Even if it would make him feel seen or… even loved…

_ No _ , he shook his head again, none of those thoughts, Remus and Virgil could hear those kind of thoughts if they became to loud,

So no, it didn’t matter what his heart wanted, his heart was an idiot, he was gonna listen to his brain, or… was it just his anxiety? 

_ No _ ! He scolded himself, why couldn’t he just accept that the others slowly rising positive views would deteriorate if he told them his name, even if they wouldn’t notice their views shifting, he hated-  _ really hated _ to admit it but if he went back to the way it was he wouldn’t be able to survive, even if it was just the lack of soft hellos and good mornings they all shared in the mornings, or the cookies that for some reason always tasted so much better when Patton cooks them, or the rare times he actually goes to the movie nights and they look so  _ pleased  _ to see him, or-

He gave a bittersweet laugh, wow he really was just Naming stuff he would miss if he gave them his name, good. He decided indefinitely, because…. even if they did not slowly start to view him as the bad guy again on his name alone… they might get angry that he waited so long to tell them,

Oh god what if they were more sad then angry because of the amount of time it took-

No, stop it, he scolded himself again before dramatically falling onto his bed and soon curling up as he tried ignoring the thoughts, after a while he drifted asleep, happy to get a solace, to get away from the the loud unyielding thoughts,

——-

It had been a half a year, they all tried to assure deceit that they wouldn’t hate him just because of his name… and… it was working he was still scared but less so, and… the feeling of wanting to tell them his name had only increased, he wanted to tell them so much, but he still kept it hidden, because… he doesn't want to mess everything up, because after a while of telling himself it would only mess stuff up, he started to genuinely believe it,

_ But  _

Maybe someday, 

maybe someday he would feel confident they lo-  _ cared  _ for him enough and they wouldn’t hate him, and he maybe he would tell them his name, but, to him, it would always be a maybe,

——-

Deceit awoke from his regularly scheduled nap by a repetitive knocking on his door, he yawned and sat up before walking to the door, he opened it only to see Virgil standing there, 

“Hey, it's movie night tonight, are you feeling up to coming?”

Deceit thought for a moment before a small smile graced his lips and he nodded, he wanted to see them he decided,

Virgil nodded “ok, oh yeah also Patton’s making more cookies,” he added, not giving deceit the chance to speak before giving his two finger Salute and heading elsewhere

Deceit smiled to himself, he was proud of himself for not doing something to mess everything up yet,

Now, he had to get ready for the movie night,

.

..

.

He stifled another yawn as he walked Into the common room and sat down, giving a small nod of acknowledgement to the others, already sat down and cuddled up close to one another, 

The others gave a smile- a good,  _ genuine  _ smile, and he couldn’t help but smile as well as he turned his head to face the tv as they turned it on and started seeing what movies they should watch,

Roman immediately rigged the vote to watch a Disney movie (of which deceit had forgottens name), much to Logan’s annoyance, deceit just laughed, it wasn’t harmful and it was kind of funny to see them get so annoyed but  _ not angry,  _ so he couldn't help but laugh

As the movies began playing it drifted off mostly into a comfortable silence, Every now and then one of them piping up about something or other, occasionally one of them singing,

He smiled to himself softly, if he did mess it up at least he had small moments like this to remember,  _ no _ , he chided to himself,  _ not now, I’m not messing stuff up right now, please take a break and let me enjoy this for a sec, I’ll be okay,  _ he bargained with his anxiety, and much to his confusion it did ease up radically,

After around the fourth movie’s opening dee was struggling to keep his eyes open, and around once the credits were rolling he was so tired and groggy he didn’t realize when he mumbled out a soft “‘m names Ethel…” and then proceeded to knock out like a light leaving some of sleepy sides of which he was laying on (Patton) or just near to process all of that while Ethel, slept peacefully 

Would dec-  _ Ethel _ , want to know he told them his name? Would he want people to use it? Would he isolate himself again? All were questions they asked

They didn’t know, though after a couple minutes Virgil piped in that he would probably want to know but would need a lot of support, he knew that ethel was similar to him so he would probably want that. they all agreed,

Meanwhile Patton stared at Ethel softly for a while, lovingly repeating the name of the one curling up into his lap, his hands were softly stroking ethel's hair, “Ethel…” he gave a small smile before continuing “Ethel suits you,” after a bit he (deciding stay there, as to not bother ethel) also drifted off,

——

Ethel woke up to a yawn from Patton , he tiredly blinked his eyes open to see Patton holding a hand over his mouth in hopes the sound wouldn’t wake anyone up (a little late) after a moment Ethel realized he was in Patton’s lap and quickly, clumsily got up,

Patton blinked a couple times to process that he had gotten up, Ethel gave a small sleepy chuckle, something told him Patton was just waking up too, he was always super sleepy and slower at processing stuff when he woke up, though he had no room to judge,

He smiled groggily before an image forced its way into his head, him sleepily telling them all his name, but Patton wasn’t reacting differently so maybe it was simply a dream? He hoped so.

He looked over to see Patton groggily staring at him swaying slightly 

“Pa-tton.. you ‘k?” He slurred out, only now processing that this is why he’s not called a morning person, because it’s been… how long has it been since he woke up? He swears it's been like 10 minutes? He doesn’t know, he really doesn’t have an internal clock does he? 

Patton yawns again “‘mmm fine! I- i just wanna make sure you know we all love you..” he said softly

Ethel looked at him for a moment before his brain took that as it’s cue to wake up more “is there a reason for this sappiness?” He asked carefully

Patton frowned “I just… you have to know, we all love you..”

“Ok…?” His brain instantly told him he said his name and that was in fact a memory, but he didn’t believe it. The mem- _ image _ was blurry and… he didn’t  _ want _ to believe it. Though if was true Patton was being supportive! 

_ But… if he does hate you for your name then it’ll hurt so much more now, _ his Brain reminded him, he had to hide a small wince from that thought,

He decided something, he trusted Patton, so he- he was okay if he knew his name, just… for a little bit it would be preferred for him to be the only one to know though!-,  _ the memory had them all awake maybe one asleep!, _ his brain reminded him,  _ shut up, it was a dream.  _ he shot back

“Hey umm… bud?” Patton’s soft voice interrupted his thoughts as he turned his head to him

“Yeah Patton?”

Patton began playing with his onesie sleeve “well umm funnily enough for you to use my name since it does involve names… um see the thing is-“ his voice became considerably smaller -“you kind of… when you were groggy and tired and didn’t process what you were saying you told us your name… it’s a very pretty name!…”

Oh

_ Oh  _

_ Oh fuck _

Apparently it wasn’t a dream, 

_ Well fuck _

at least Patton’s being nice and telling him? Was this why he had to make sure he knew they loved him? He- Ethel may have been constantly stressing for the past year or so but… now that it’s happened Patton’s support makes it seem like it’s…  _ good _ , huh,

“Hey um… sweetheart I don’t mean to interrupt you thinking but… are you okay? I mean ethels a very pretty name and all but it should’ve only been told to us when you were ready,”

Ethel paused for a moment “I- I think It's actually better now that it's out in the open… I kind of convinced myself that you guys would slowly start to hate me because of my name since names subconsciously change peoples views... so it probably would of literal taken years…”

Patton made a noise of defiance and hurt before barreling into Ethel to hug him “no! We could never hate you! It was wrong of us the first time to treat you so awfully there’s No way we’d ever go back! And now just because of a beautiful name? No! We love you so much!”

“I-“ Ethel chuckled wetly before putting his arm around Patton’s back “ _i_ _know_ , it was just some fear that started a while ago that I never got over, but at least it’s ok, _now_.”

Patton pulled back from the hug to face him, his hands still loosely resting on Ethel's shoulders “okay,” he decided, “and if there is actually anyone giving you trouble I’ll-“ he thought for a moment -“I’ll fight them! Because Ethel’s a beautiful name and they shouldn’t mess with one of my kiddos!”

Deceit could barely help himself from laughing, apparently the laughing was loud enough to wake up the others but… he couldn't bring himself to really care, he wasn’t scared they would be mad at him, he was focused on Patton in front of him almost pouting because it ‘wasn’t a joke!’

He continued to smile and even as the others started getting up, Roman complaining that he was woken up (though there was no real annoyance or anger it was just soft teasing),

And he continued to smile the first time one of them actually used his name

He continued to smile as Patton made a pun with his name, and he could barely keep his laughter contained while patton was beaming

He continued to smile when in the mornings the others were too sleepy to have a filter and they sleepily mumbled they love him,

And he allowed himself to mumble out soft and sleepy ‘I love you too’s’ 

For the first time in a long while, he smiled,

genuine smiles, and he allowed himself to, even if it was a small thing causing the smile, he allowed it to be there,

  
  
  



End file.
